Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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