Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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