I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
