I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
is wine microwaveable?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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