I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
