She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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