WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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