Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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