i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
