so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
