I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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