The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
