i just wanna soil my oats bro
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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