i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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