i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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