Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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