so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
