can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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