Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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