i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
