i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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