Don't you send me to vm
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
