haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
