I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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