Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
