maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
