You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
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The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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