is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
