My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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