Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
