She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
