Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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