The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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