I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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