Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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