We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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