woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
