I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
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It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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