Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the day after is always just damage control
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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