exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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