Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
