You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
