Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
