is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
