Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
