K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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