You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
