Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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