Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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