so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
