i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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