stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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