If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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