my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
pop tarts are not kleenex
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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