I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
