If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
