I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sobbing to NWA
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We need to get me chipped asap
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
